Co-dependency is a word that can be heard common these days. It is often associated with drugs and alcohol and the counselling that goes along with drug dependents. A co-dependent relationship is defined by the co-dependent who, in the case of alcoholics, is the partner that attempts to save the alcoholic from alcohol and themselves. A co-dependent relationship, however, need not be confined to the relationship between an alcoholic seeking guidance from a counselor.
A co-dependent relationship may also come in the form of being an overly generous and helpful friend or even a lover. Co-dependents are all about caring for another person rather than caring for themselves but it doesn’t mean that we should ignore someone when they are in need. It’s about trying to make changes for someone when they have to make those changes for themselves.
Generally, the type of caring involved in a co-dependent relationship takes away another’s personal power and decisions over life. A true and genuine care for someone does not overstep these boundaries but instead encourages them. Allowing people make their own decisions, even if they are the wrong ones, enables people to grow and make healthy life changes.
Parallel to this, the co-dependents in a co-dependent relationship need to concentrate on their own troubles in life. Learning to take responsibility for one’s own feelings are the secret ingredients to a healthy relationship. Being aware of what you are feeling and being open to change is something that we must all learn. Otherwise, we tend to feel like we are a prey to others and it is them that creates the feelings within. Blaming others for our own lack of self-knowledge can lead to major relationship troubles.
Many people that have been part of a co-dependent relationship and have been left may discover the same problems in their next relationships if they don’t make any modifications in their life. Roles may get reversed but the same problems still occur – anger, resentment, lack of intimacy, feeling unloved and unloving.
The way to modify this is to realize that a relationship heals once the individual does. In a co-dependent relationship, one person tends to control the life of the other prior to taking care of their own self. Remember that in a healthy relationship, the only person to control is one’s self. It is the ability to feel, decide and change lies in one’s self and not in someone else’s. Learning this is secret to making all relationship work.
Filed under: Relationship Improvement